Something that I have had to deal with since getting bitten by the rattlesnake is that I have to rely on other people in a way that I have never had to before in my life. I have struggled with this a lot because I am fairly independent and have always liked to do things myself. I started working at a young age so I could earn my own money, I loved turning 16 and getting my driver's license so that I could go off and drive myself places, I love cleaning my own home, cooking for myself and would not be the kind of person to have a nanny for my children. I think that I practically pride myself on being able to do it all myself. and boy this experience has really changed that for me. I haven't driven since September of '08!! I can't stand long enough to cook or clean, and I have to rely on Aram to work and make all the money. Now, I have fought this, believe me, I have tried to vacuum only to be in major pain later in the afternoon from doing it, I have tried to cook only to get sick from the exertions. and lately as Aram and I's expenses have gone up moving into this apartment, and we are tighter with money, I have wanted to start working so that I can help out more.
Now recently my pastor at church (rick warren) has given some sermons about getting through difficult times and having hope. One of the first things that he said to do is to pray about what God's dream is for us. So I prayed, and I heard something, or kind of like heard and saw a little scene. And I came to really understand that God wants me to heal. From my ego-filled brain I am thinking, yeah right, what does God care, but I am learning not to listen to such criticism that my brain likes to dish out to me. So, if God wants me to heal, and in my vision I see this image of me resting on the couch with my leg up. I think that means that I am not supposed to be cleaning, cooking, pushing myself, trying to find ways around resting. Honestly, for an active person like me, being told to rest and relax on a couch and let other people do for you is like torture sometimes!!!
I feel like I have this giant test of faith about learning to rely on others and not do everything myself. I don't really believe that God caused me to get bit by the rattlesnake, but I do believe that there are certain lessons that I can learn along the way. I mean this whole experience has been difficult, but I think I can learn to have balance about asking for help and relying on God and others to help me through, cause if I keep thinking that I can do everything then I am basically not believing that God is there and ultimately in control.
ps, I have lots of pictures to post and I will in another blog post....